Even Sick of Star Trek Reruns

First -- one good thing about recuperation: The Ellen Degeneres Show.

Second -- has anybody seen Grey's Anatomy? Is this another one of those shows like West Wing that I missed forever and only later figured out was really wonderful?

Third -- who in hell is Kanye West? I don't care enough to Google him.

So, week 4 of recuperation begins; day 36 of this little adventure, all in all. No big changes, although little changes are happening here and there. [I notice them because I've learned that "recuperation" is French for "obsessing about every neuron and corpuscle." (Corpuscle?)] My eyes seem to be wavering; sometimes I see one image in the main part of my vision and it doubles only in the periphery, while other times it's double all around. I'm still very weak first thing in the morning or after long periods of inactivity, but now there are times when I can walk a few steps without the walker. I'm off the oxycontin now, relying only on Tylenol, so sometimes I hurt a lot. The vice-like pressure around my rib cage is probably the worst part now, and the physical therapists are working hard to try to loosen that up. It feels like my ribs are encased in concrete -- and according to Eleni, my brilliant PT, they are in such deep muscle spasm that they may as well be. My left hand, forearm and torso are still very numb and tingly and I still don't really have use of the hand. The incision, which runs horizontally across the front of my neck, has lost most of its surgical glue and hurts some of the time -- not as bad as you might think. My neck aches across the back and my chest just below the collarbone hurts to the touch, but in total the actual surgery pain seems not too bad. And, of course, I know that will heal, which is more than I can say for everything else that's going on with me.

Next up is our prenatal appointment on Friday -- our first one, as the original appointment was preempted by my hospital stay. I don't really have much to say about that. I'm not sure if you'll understand, but I have so many emotions wrapped up in finding out whether the baby is healthy, and so many fears about my own & Dave's capacity for hearing any bad news on top of what's already happening, that I am sort of setting the whole thing aside and just not thinking about it. I think the reality of the situation is that we won't have a clean bill of health for the little one until we can have an amniocentesis -- or maybe a CVS test, if I'm not already too far along in my pregnancy to have one. I had a lot of scans, xrays, drugs, trauma, stress and surgery. It's hard to experience unmitigated optimism.

After that, back to the neurologist next week.

Psychologically speaking, this experience is beginning to weigh on me a bit. I started feeling depressed and a bit hopeless (is it possible to be "a bit" hopeless? probably not -- more like being pregnant -- either you are, or you aren't). Going out to lunch on Monday with Brett helped a bit. Talking to my therapist (my psychotherapist & I have been doing sessions on the phone) and a couple other friends on Tuesday helped more. I found myself actually doing my exercises like a good invalid. Wednesday, I backslid a bit. Today, well, we'll see.

It's sunny and beautiful outside today -- if a little too humid. This morning we've had a bunch of contractors in and out of the house working on punchlist items. Oscar the cat is very offended at having been locked in the study all day. They're all gone now, though, and Oscar is free. And it's time for lunch. More later.

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