I wouldn't trade being myself for being someone else. I wouldn't trade my own bizarre personality -- after all, I have been my friend for a long time -- and I certainly wouldn't trade my husband and kids for anything -- they are the best and give my life incredible joy and meaning. I wouldn't trade my hazel eyes or my shoulders, though I would give away my calves and my dimpled elbows for free. I like myself, but I think I might be disappointed in myself.
I have so many women friends about whom I think, "she is so much more ___ than I." I have a friend who is a successful lawyer, a fabulously popular, funny, cute and fashionable gal who knits and sews her own adorable kids' adorable clothing. I have another who is the apotheosis of New England -- smart and witty, outdoorsy and capable, resourceful, competent, hosting parties for hundreds of important financiers at her home while apparently singlehandedly running her church and a Girl Scout troop, keeping a menagerie of house pets and raising two daughters with brains and beauty. A new friend of mine has a perfectly imperfect, rustic, gorgeous old house, and a beautiful, wild, verdant and creative garden with a life to match, plus the most beautiful, naturally curly mane of hair. Another new friend has published a book and is working on another, and one gal can do literally any crafty thing she sets her mind to. A woman from high school works for a nonprofit dedicated to eradicating poverty (what, there wasn't something more important to do?) and another friend works on liberal policy issues for the Center for American Progress (and looks great in a Diane Von Furstenberg dress).
I guess the point is, I wouldn't really want to be one of these other women rather than being myself, but I long to do the things they do. My life feels very stale outside of my relationships with my husband and children. I do have three kids, but my friends have kids, too, so that's no excuse. What is it that I don't have in me? Is it something that can be cultivated? Can I learn? And if I can't learn to have a life as full as these, can I at least learn to stop wishing it were?
1 comment:
The grass is greener, my love! Your description of me sounds very impressive, while to me, my life feels very humdrum and menial. What if you were described as a wonderful, witty, creative woman who has explored many careers and traveled far and wide, who has overcome pain, frustration and physical disability to give birth to one adorable, fabulous child and create a blended family full of fun and love. Who has passionately embraced causes dear to her heart, and worked to sway others to the wisdom of her position. Who has carved out her own niche for a career in law which marries her keen legal mind with her passion for truth and justice. There, do you like yourself more now? Of course, there are still those fat ankles...
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