Careening from One Place to Another

In the middle of the night, while Abby contendedly slurps away at her bottle and I rock slowly in the pink toile Dutailier chair (yes, I drank the Kool-Aid), I have dozens of ideas for my blog. Even if they're only random thoughts, at least they're thoughts. Somehow, once the day begins, in a blur of trying to keep her fed & happy while getting us both bathed, the ideas evaporate. Maybe this is why one woman, for a baby shower gift, got me a small note pad that matches the nursery. Maybe she knew I'd need some way to capture those fleeting thoughts. Now I just have to find the notepad, and get it and a pen up to the nursery. Don't hold your breath.

I find it amazing, the way that one's feelings can turn on a dime. Anyone who knows me well knows that I'm particularly susceptible to that mercurial shifting -- but what I'm referring to is more benign, and in a way, more interesting. When Abigail starts, at say, 3 o'clock a.m., to fuss, squeak and chirp over the monitor in such a way that I know she'll be up and bellowing for a warm bottle within 10 minutes, I groggily lie there, thinking (and sometimes saying aloud) things like, "Oh, God. Please, baby, please go back to sleep." Or, "Ugh . . . didn't you just finish eating two hours ago?" Or, the thought crosses my mind to poke D and say, "I just can't possibly do this right now. Get up, won't you?" All these things pass through my mind with some level of frustration and maybe even anger. I definitely feel put-upon, during those few moments, as I shrug on my robe and find my slippers. I careen towards the bedroom door, my knees locking awkwardly, my hands grabbing for bedpost or dresser to keep from keeling over. My balance and leg muscles more out of whack than ever when I'm sleepwalking, you see -- and I really get annoyed by that. Then, I walk into the nursery and look down into the crib, murmuring, "Mommy's here, baby. It's okay, Mommy's here." I see one of three things: a peaceful baby who's fallen back asleep since I got up; a baby stretching and reaching and squinting as she tries to fight off sleep; or a red-faced baby squalling -- until she hears my voice. When she hears me, she calms and starts looking around for me, with her bottomless blue eyes and her little bow mouth working to say something to me. I fall deeply in love all over again, and I am so happy.